I gave a decent amount of thought as to what I could write about this short.
I initially thought that I could write about how I have made it to middle age without ever having to grieve and as I started typing, I realized that there was a trigger for grief and I could still be experiencing some sort of grief at the loss of my father due to the divorce.
I've written about my anger towards him and how I am still wrestling with forgiving him. Now, as he is in his final stage of life, the grieving process over losing him will be one that is stretched out over years as he slowly fades away. My management of this grief is strange and I wonder if I am actually managing it in a healthy way. I talk to M about it, I talk with my brother –in-law and sister about it, I write about it in my little book I am now putting it out there (here).
Is what I am feeling even grief though?
Maybe it’s not.
I just don’t know. I do know that almost a day doesn't go by where thoughts of him in one form or another don’t cross my mind. Sometimes they are good thoughts but mostly they are thoughts of anger. Just plain being upset with him and what he did all those years ago.